May this blog be a declaration of purpose, an affirmation of calling, a commitment device to grow as a writer, as a space to share what God is teaching me. Thanks for being here.
Purpose. Something that the enemy can no longer steal or muddy up. Purpose is the determination, the choice to believe that you have a unique and divine reason for living, a calling that shapes the parameters of your time and space.
Purpose used to be so easy to define, back when I was teaching school and caring for my mom. I knew without a doubt how I was to engage, what I was to spend my time on. The tasks and purpose were defined by the season. Driving to chemo or grading papers were things I had to do, no matter what. These tasks and their related tasks filled so much of my time and it wasn't possible to not do them, they were as core as breathing or sleeping. For the first time in a while, I am calling the shots. If I don't get enough writing or piano or exercising done, the only person I disappoint is me. There's no commitment device pressing me to the finish line.
In this season, the tasks that are automatic and compulsory like grocery shopping, cooking, and laundry do not create enough skeleton upon which to attach the life-giving flesh of autonomy and agency, fulfillment. Without that skeleton of imperative tasks that serve others, the flesh of human desire, of pursuing things for me, has floundered. These God-sized dreams and goals of publishing a book, of hitting 1,000 hours of piano practice, of being healthier, of growing the YouTube channel, have felt impossible, aimless, and selfish.
Since the reason I do my work has changed from helping others to sitting with myself and, at the onset, just restoring myself, confidence, satisfaction, and joy have suffered. While the heart of my YouTube ministry, and vision with my novel, is to remind people of God's love for them, it's awhile before work is shared or there's evidence of impact. The enemy has done everything in his power to make me believe that I'm not capable of resisting distraction, that I'm not capable of following through and finishing what I start. That I'm selfish, that my days don't have purpose, that I'm not working, that I'm unfulfilled.
But the battle I'm in is not with myself. The battle I'm in is with the world, with the evil one, and he will not win! I am equipped. I am called. I am capable. I am seen. I will pursue the things of God, spiritual, mental, and physical health, with tenacity that will make the darkness flee.
I have God's help and love, and I will continue to ask for His guidance. I will cultivate the dreams, skills, and desires God has planted in me, confident that my time will accomplish some good for His kingdom and bring me closer to Him.
A statement of faith and a foundation for which this writing can stand:
Now and forevermore may the glory be
only and ever God's.
May we praise Him for the trials,
for they cause us to look up at Him.
May we rejoice in His goodness,
in the gift of His love.
May we repent and claim His help
in times when sin befalls us.
May we thank Him for the gift of purpose in this life,
that we are called to partner with Him
in the bringing of His kingdom here on Earth.
a working, prayerful draft for the heart of this blog
